Happy Mother's Day...

I think I started shortlisting names for my children-to-be at the age of 16. I guess even at that age, I was quite sure I'll be a mother one day. But now that I'm a mother to a beautiful girl and very soon a baby boy, with names that I came up with a long time ago, I can't quite believe that I am capable of being one, or at least a good one. But I'll try. 

Strangely, when one becomes a mother, the maternal instinct kicks in quite strongly. All of a sudden, you find yourself being able to survive on less sleep, being able to multi-task, being less adverse to poo and vomit, and most importantly being able to love so unconditionally (though I don't really know if that's easily done when they become rebellious teenagers in the future... Hopefully not!).

And regrettably, it's only when I became a mother that I started to really treasure and cherish my own mother. All the times when she nagged and seemed over protective... I now know how it feels. There's always this compulsion to want to protect your child though I will be mindful to give my children the freedom to explore and develop into their own individual. 

This year, I'm celebrating my 2nd Mother's Day and I'm really grateful to God for making me one and for blessing me with so many role models whom I turn to. Friends who are mums who give great advice especially when my child is sick or behaving like a terrible 2 when she's not even 2! And most importantly, my mum who continues to love and take care of me and now my children. I'm taking baby steps learning to be the best mother I can be with the help of hubby, who of course, has been a great father and husband. 

So on this Mother's Day, I pray for all mothers to receive God's blessings, strength and love to sustain them in their journey as mothers. And may gratitude be shown upon them for all the sacrifices they have made for their children. 

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! 

The Dramatic Arrival of Kaelyn Tan Rei En

http://magis.to/JCQvWEZSBl0hJisBDmEwCXt-

Most pregnant women anticipate the birth of their child and the labour pains that accompany. I was preparing to use the epidural, looking forward to baby "rooting", our first skin to skin, first family prayer when Kaelyn is borned & hubby cutting the umbilical cord. We missed them all. One minute, I was pregnant. Two days later, I woke up dazed in the ICU operating theatre with my 36 week old premie taken away from me. I remember struggling and screaming, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe" on the operating theatre table. I remember telling myself to wake up from the nightmare. Nothing else...

After 6 days, I am finally fully lucid about what happened but somehow uncertain how it all happened in the first place. There were no warning signs... I had preeclampsia. A condition that affects 10% of all pregnancies. I was the "lucky" few I guess. My gynae warned me of gestational diabetes but not this. Even then a total weight gain of 13 kg seems normal. 

My blood pressure shot up to above 200 on 15 June (Father's Day) after a series of tension headaches. At 5 plus am, I collapsed in fits, foaming and bleeding on the bathroom floor of St. Regis hotel penthouse where we had our final staycation before Baby K was borned. Had it not been for World Cup, I'm not sure if my hubby would be awake to realise what had happened. 

I was rushed to the A&E and within an hour plus, I had a c-sect done to rescue Kaelyn though she's only 36 plus weeks. After a week, I'm finally out of the hospital though poor Kaelyn is still in the high dependency neonatal care ward. She seems to be growing well after a week but is still being fed through a tube. :(

We need your prayers so that she can quickly come home. 

On hindsight, I wonder if God allowed us to go through this experience to remind us of the important things in life and the people who really matter. This near death episode only made me appreciate life even more. It also made me realise how indebted my daughter and I are to Daryn for saving our lives. And amazingly, she came into this world on Father's Day! What a gift for Daryn. It'll be a Father's Day never to be forgotten. 

May this blog entry be a reminder of how dramatic Kaelyn's entrance into this world is and how precious life is. Thank you Jesus for keeping watch over our family. And dear God, keep watch over our lovely Kaelyn and let her come home to her parents soon. 

To all our family members and friends who were with us and helping Daryn throughout this week, a big thank you. Wouldn't have managed without your help. Pls keep praying for our daughter. 

My Sunshine

Thank you Mr D., for always making my days seem bright and letting me feel that everything will be alright.

12 July 2013 - a new beginning

Never thought I would mourn so much for a loved one especially when I've never had the chance to see, to hold and to know the person. But I did. And it hurts (a lot...). 

I wonder how Angel would be had he or she survived. Who would he or she take after? What personality would Angel have? Would Angel have my dimples and D's sweet smile? We had names prepared: Kaylene Isabel Tan or Dylan Isaac Tan. But now, since we do not know the gender, we decided on a unisex name and called our would be first born Baby Angel. 

Our brief two months with Angel was filled with happiness and hope but it did not last. God had other plans. He decided to take Angel up to heaven. We went Spain for our honeymoon hoping that our travels to the pilgrimage sites known for miracles and answering of prayers would bring about a miracle. 

A miracle did happen but it wasn't the one that was intended to be. Miracles can come in different forms I guess - I have not seen D, a non-Christian, prayed so fervently or so regularly during our years together. I guess God has his way of changing people. And I must credit our Baby Angel for making that small change. 

I've gone through many heartaches but this is one really painful episode. But everything happens for a reason and I will move on and hopefully our wishes and dreams of becoming parents will soon come true.

I'll always remember this day - 12 July 2013. 

Today marks a new beginning - the end of my 14 days medical leave (something I've not taken in the past 7 years). I have to stop mourning, go back to reality and once again, learn to move on.

Today marks a happy occasion at the same time. Our 4th year anniversary as a couple. Our first time celebrating this as husband and wife. It's somewhat bitter sweet. While we are sad about what had happened, today reminds that we still have each other and that we can overcome this together and try again.

Oh yes and how can I forget my dear Blog. While you may not be read anymore, I have not forgotten you. Happy 8th Year Anniversary 7 Years Later. Thank you for being my companion. 

Often we take things for granted: God, family, friends and health. Today, I'm reminded to be thankful for people who have helped me during this difficult time. Our dear friends, my caring colleagues, and most importantly my pillar of strength - my hubby. I'm still trying to reconcile my feelings with God. Not sure if it's a test. Not sure why He allowed it to happen. But deep down I tell myself as always that He knows what's best and everything happens for a reason. With each passing, brings new hope.. 

Everything in His time... 

Everything in His time...

P.S:

I dedicate this entry to our Baby Angel. 

21 April - 28 June...

Till we meet again...

7 years later has finally arrived...

Happy 7 Year Anniversary my dearest blog... we've come a long way and though I've neglected you in recent years, I think of you fondly. After all, you contain several poignant as well as sweetest memories of my life... 


Thank you for being there for me when I needed to air my thoughts or send a message to someone... 


Thank you for allowing me to be creative and witty about the issues that surfaced over the past 7 years... 


Thank you for giving me hope that after 7 years, everything will be alright... 


For indeed, 7 years have passed and all is well. :p

Someone Like You

Such an evocative song.. bring back memories...

It's been 5 months, old friend...

Just realised that I have neglected my blog for a full 5 months... that's almost half a year... I blame it on Facebook which I log on religiously on an almost daily basis. 

It's not as if I've nothing to blog about. At times when something inspired me to write an entry, I'll try to organise the ideas in my mind but something else always take precedence...  

It seems this year, I'm revamping myself.. and keeping myself very occupied to fill the void. I've been running.... figuratively and literally...  Running long distance has become an obsession. Just this week, I ran 40km in all. I think my legs will give way very soon... and yoga doesn't seem to help release the tension. But so far, it's keeping me fit and ironically, that pain feels therapeutic and gives me a somewhat sense of pleasure... hmm.. 

But I think that over the past 8 months... I've taken on a different perspective... I used to be more cautious, practical, and only keen on doing things I'm good at. Maybe it's cos I'm just a few months shy from entering the next decade of my life... I feel that I should experience life more... take more risks... learn more things... make more friends...and most importantly spend more time with loved ones... the ones who were there more or less throughout my life...

As such, when it came to my June Vacation this year, I decided to go to less travelled lands... Bosnia & Herzegovina and Croatia. While parts of the country still have reminders of the 1990s Bosnian War and inherent racial tension still prevails, both are surprising safe (except for the occasion unexplored landmines and the collapsable bullet-ridden buildings) and the people we met have been absolutely generous and warm. Yes, they do not forget... but they forgive. 

It's a very different trip for me. Due to work, I had no time to research or plan and just decided to go with an open heart and mind and see what happens when I get there. I was jittery the day before though. I bought a ticket, packed what I needed for abt 14 days and went over without insurance, bookings for accommodation and itinerary, with people I hardly know. But this spontaneity was one of the best things I've done this year. I've never learnt so much about another country (possibly cos I was never familiar with the Eastern Europe's history). I ended up staying at hostels, sleeping in some local's home, cooking meals for 5 people when I hardly cook in Singapore and almost landed in the police station (my travel mates eventually were detained.. details will not be divulged). 

It also left me churning as I found out that it was the Orthodox Christians and Catholics that did most of the ethnic cleansing on the Muslims. Essentially, they were the same race.. Europeans.. mostly blue-eyed blond / dark brown hair.. just separated by religion. I couldn't comprehend a war in modern times and in a modern city. The first hand accounts of war were horrific and hard to digest. I kept trying to remind Bata, the most passionate and somewhat aggrieved of the lot, not to associate the deeds by the Orthodox Serbians & Catholics Croatians with Christianity. He replied that he knows.. after all, people do associate terrorism with the Islam faith when it propagates no such acts of evil.  

The photography experience was also quite amazing... There were several interesting sights and people to snap and the learning curve was especially steep as my travel mates were very well equipped and know the technicalities of shooting. I've always relied on aesthetic appeal and instinct when it comes to composing pic... no GND, CPL, heavy post processing.. though I still won't be doing such stuff.. at least now, I know how it's used and done. 

Overall, I love my 2 weeks there. I will most probably continue to do such trips.. right now, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Bhutan, India and Peru are on my list... Will most probably see Iceland another time. This along with learning fencing, golfing, playing a violin, and sky diving.. all in due time.. 

At the home front, I've learned to appreciate our multi-racial society and the peace we have here in Singapore. I can't imagine a day when any race in Singapore would attempt to perform ethnic cleansing on another race.. but really, never say never...  I'm also worried about my grandma's and dad's health.. both had a scare recently. Grandma landed in hospital again.. though she has recovered I know she's buying time... In 2006, we were told she has 3 more mths to live. I guess women in my family are strong. She's still fighting, though I know she's ready to go.. When she became conscious, she asked us why hasn't she died... 

Last night, I was up the whole night.. on standby... Dad had chest pains... and the readings from the digital blood pressure monitor showed that his systolic/diastolic pressures were too high. I tried to stay calm.. he did too.. I could see the fear in his eyes.. and I was afraid.. very afraid.. After medication, he tried to take the measurement again, only to our horror that the batteries went flat.. and we didn't have any AAA batteries left! That alone perhaps stressed my dad even more. It took some time to charge those batteries. He did not want to go to the hospital yet.. so we adhered to his wishes.. that 15 to 20 mins wait at 1.30am was torturous... there was nothing we could do.. but wait and pray.. 

Thankfully, it wasn't a full blown heart attack like his previous one. I hope there won't be anymore such scare.. but I know the chance of relapse increases with age... I can just pray that God will take care of him.. 

I do not know when I will blog again... I hope I to write more.. Feeling rusty as it is... the words don't seem to flow as easily as it used to... it's a shame. 

Though it's totally irrelevant.. would just end this blog with a famous quote from Ludwig van Beethoven to his immortal beloved cos it's constantly on my mind... 

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours...

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