It's been 5 months, old friend...

Just realised that I have neglected my blog for a full 5 months... that's almost half a year... I blame it on Facebook which I log on religiously on an almost daily basis. 

It's not as if I've nothing to blog about. At times when something inspired me to write an entry, I'll try to organise the ideas in my mind but something else always take precedence...  

It seems this year, I'm revamping myself.. and keeping myself very occupied to fill the void. I've been running.... figuratively and literally...  Running long distance has become an obsession. Just this week, I ran 40km in all. I think my legs will give way very soon... and yoga doesn't seem to help release the tension. But so far, it's keeping me fit and ironically, that pain feels therapeutic and gives me a somewhat sense of pleasure... hmm.. 

But I think that over the past 8 months... I've taken on a different perspective... I used to be more cautious, practical, and only keen on doing things I'm good at. Maybe it's cos I'm just a few months shy from entering the next decade of my life... I feel that I should experience life more... take more risks... learn more things... make more friends...and most importantly spend more time with loved ones... the ones who were there more or less throughout my life...

As such, when it came to my June Vacation this year, I decided to go to less travelled lands... Bosnia & Herzegovina and Croatia. While parts of the country still have reminders of the 1990s Bosnian War and inherent racial tension still prevails, both are surprising safe (except for the occasion unexplored landmines and the collapsable bullet-ridden buildings) and the people we met have been absolutely generous and warm. Yes, they do not forget... but they forgive. 

It's a very different trip for me. Due to work, I had no time to research or plan and just decided to go with an open heart and mind and see what happens when I get there. I was jittery the day before though. I bought a ticket, packed what I needed for abt 14 days and went over without insurance, bookings for accommodation and itinerary, with people I hardly know. But this spontaneity was one of the best things I've done this year. I've never learnt so much about another country (possibly cos I was never familiar with the Eastern Europe's history). I ended up staying at hostels, sleeping in some local's home, cooking meals for 5 people when I hardly cook in Singapore and almost landed in the police station (my travel mates eventually were detained.. details will not be divulged). 

It also left me churning as I found out that it was the Orthodox Christians and Catholics that did most of the ethnic cleansing on the Muslims. Essentially, they were the same race.. Europeans.. mostly blue-eyed blond / dark brown hair.. just separated by religion. I couldn't comprehend a war in modern times and in a modern city. The first hand accounts of war were horrific and hard to digest. I kept trying to remind Bata, the most passionate and somewhat aggrieved of the lot, not to associate the deeds by the Orthodox Serbians & Catholics Croatians with Christianity. He replied that he knows.. after all, people do associate terrorism with the Islam faith when it propagates no such acts of evil.  

The photography experience was also quite amazing... There were several interesting sights and people to snap and the learning curve was especially steep as my travel mates were very well equipped and know the technicalities of shooting. I've always relied on aesthetic appeal and instinct when it comes to composing pic... no GND, CPL, heavy post processing.. though I still won't be doing such stuff.. at least now, I know how it's used and done. 

Overall, I love my 2 weeks there. I will most probably continue to do such trips.. right now, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Bhutan, India and Peru are on my list... Will most probably see Iceland another time. This along with learning fencing, golfing, playing a violin, and sky diving.. all in due time.. 

At the home front, I've learned to appreciate our multi-racial society and the peace we have here in Singapore. I can't imagine a day when any race in Singapore would attempt to perform ethnic cleansing on another race.. but really, never say never...  I'm also worried about my grandma's and dad's health.. both had a scare recently. Grandma landed in hospital again.. though she has recovered I know she's buying time... In 2006, we were told she has 3 more mths to live. I guess women in my family are strong. She's still fighting, though I know she's ready to go.. When she became conscious, she asked us why hasn't she died... 

Last night, I was up the whole night.. on standby... Dad had chest pains... and the readings from the digital blood pressure monitor showed that his systolic/diastolic pressures were too high. I tried to stay calm.. he did too.. I could see the fear in his eyes.. and I was afraid.. very afraid.. After medication, he tried to take the measurement again, only to our horror that the batteries went flat.. and we didn't have any AAA batteries left! That alone perhaps stressed my dad even more. It took some time to charge those batteries. He did not want to go to the hospital yet.. so we adhered to his wishes.. that 15 to 20 mins wait at 1.30am was torturous... there was nothing we could do.. but wait and pray.. 

Thankfully, it wasn't a full blown heart attack like his previous one. I hope there won't be anymore such scare.. but I know the chance of relapse increases with age... I can just pray that God will take care of him.. 

I do not know when I will blog again... I hope I to write more.. Feeling rusty as it is... the words don't seem to flow as easily as it used to... it's a shame. 

Though it's totally irrelevant.. would just end this blog with a famous quote from Ludwig van Beethoven to his immortal beloved cos it's constantly on my mind... 

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours...

.

,

We'll find a way...

GOD WILL MAKE A WAY

by Don Moen

.

.

God will make a way where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength

For each new day

He will make a way

He will make a way

.

.

By a roadway

In the wilderness

He'll lead me

And rivers in the desert will I see

Heaven and earth will fade

But his word will still remain

He will do something new today

.
.

God will make a way where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength

For each new day

He will make a way

He will make a way

.
.

2021

.

.

I'm a convert!

When I was in Primary 6, I had my first BCG injection. The first injection to test if there's a need to take a jab, was at the inner elbow. I remember it hurting a lot to the point that I teared. Then of course there was the actual jab on the arm. Ouch... I teared again.

That perhaps gave me the fear of injections. My subsequent encounters with injections were the second dosage of BCG at Sec 4, a tetanus jab for the OBS camp in JC1, a blood test for Hep B & C in university and subsequently an immunity jab two years ago. At all times, I feared the needles.. And because of that fear, muscular tension caused it to be more painful. The only comfort I got was that gentle squeeze of a familar hand or a smile or the fact that it was just a minor pain.. But the whole time round, I was embarrassed by the fact that I actually fear such pain at such a age and that there are many more things that are more painful.

But all that changed this year...

For the first time in my life, I told myself that I was acting up my fear and that everything is psychological. It's all in the mind. If I will myself to be free from pain, perhaps, it will just disappear. And so, for this year's medical check up, I told myself that I've gone through enough pain (physical and emotional) that this tiny prick is not going to affect me. I went in with an unnatural calm and ease.

Even one male teacher in front of me said that he's fearful of the needles... whether he was just teasing or not, I wasn't sure.. but somehow, his facial expression while he was having his jab revealed a real sense of fear.. which I found rather amusing.

Mine was after his... and I was so calm that it didn't really hurt at all. Even that initial prick was nothing. My composure and nonchalance were much to the horror of the male teacher who questioned if I was in pain. To spare his ego from being bruised along with his inner elbow, I lied that it was a little painful.

The whole time round, I wondered what happened. Why did it hurt so much before and why did I always needed a hand to hold when I had my previous jabs? Was I over-reacting and being needy and whiny just to have someone reassuring me that everything will be ok?

Perhaps, it's just mind over matter. Or perhaps, it was just a fluke that it didn't hurt.

To confirm that I really overcame my fear for injections, I decided to test it out one more time.

I recalled the time when my good friend in JC tried persuading me to donate blood with her when the drive came to our school. I refused. She was so keen on donating blood that she faked her weight by increasing it up by 1kg just so that she could donate (I guess back then, they weren't really that strict. Now, you have to weigh yourself in front of the staff). I missed my chance back then.

Today, I took that chance.

I went for my very first blood donation at SGH together with some colleagues of mine.

At the blood donation center, I was again trying to be calm but deep down I was rather excited, hoping that it wouldn't hurt and that I won't develop a phobia for needles again. But somehow, when I saw the room I was entering, it felt right...

And so it is, two injections, totally painless. Thickest needle I've seen thus far inserted to me but not as pain as I thought.

I am free!!! Free from fear. Free from having someone to be there for me when I go for my future jabs. Free from embarrassment

Though a rather insignificant thing in my life and to most people, it gave me new found hope together with my overseas trips & adventures, that I'm ready to embrace independence without fear and hate. I am also convinced that I'll most probably make a yearly blood donation from now onwards and convince others to do so.

Give blood, save lives....

P.S: In case anyone is wondering, the first picture was taken when I was in Melbourne.

旅行的意义

Very soon I'll be up there for the longest period of time ever. Never flew for such a long duration and so far in my life... There's always a first. Always thought I would have a chance to fly a lot in the past, but it never happened. So perhaps, I'm doing a make-up for it.

So, what's the significance of my travel this time?

这就是我旅行的意义...



旅行的意义

你看过了许多美景
你看过了许多美女
你迷失在地图上
每一道短暂的光阴
你品尝了夜的巴黎
你踏过下雪的北京
你熟记书本里
每一句你最爱的真理
却说不出你爱我的原因
却说不出你欣赏我哪一种表情
却说不出在什么场合我曾让你动心
说不出离开的原因

你累计了许多飞行
你用心挑选纪念品
你收集了地图上
每一次的风和日丽
你拥抱热情的岛屿
你埋葬记忆的土耳其
你流连电影里美丽的不真实的场景
却说不出你爱我的原因
却说不出你欣赏我哪一种表情
却说不出在什么场合我曾让你分心
说不出旅行的意义

你勉强说出你爱我的原因
却说不出你欣赏我哪一种表情
却说不出在什么场合我曾让你动心
说不出旅行的意义
勉强说出你为我寄出的每一封信
都是你离开的原因
bb你离开我
就是旅行的意义



Original post 3rd October 07

What is Courage?

I still remember till this day my GP tutor told me that a student once attempted this question for his GP test or exam. The topic of discussion: What is Courage?

And his response was submitted on 3 pieces of papers stapled together:

The 1st page is blank except for the P.T.O (please turn over) at the bottom of the paper.

The 2nd page P.T.O
"
"
The 5th page P.T.O

On the 6th page, at the bottom of the page were these words......... "THIS IS COURAGE."

And with that he managed to pass the test!!!

Hmm... Maybe it's some sort of urban legend cos another friend of mine from another JC heard about this before..

I posed this same question to my students recently.. and what were their responses?

"Courage is daring to accomplish something in the face of danger." by S.Z.H

"Every man is born with selfishenss and the will to live, if we do not at all think about ourselves first, that is the first spark of courage." by J.G.

"Courage is all about being strong; it makes us grow, makes us the person we weren't in the past." by S.P

"Courage is to walk with your eyes closed, fearlessly and bravely knowing that you will not fail. Courage is to have confidence in yourself, to face your problems and not to run away from it. if you can face your fears without turning your back against them, then are you a man of true courage! Not only do you have to be brave but you have to believe in yourself. Never should we underestimate the true power of courage." by N. s/o V

But seriously, what is courage?

Is it about handing in a somewhat empty script during a test to prove that you are courageous, or must one sacrifice one's life like the 76 year old Israeli lecturer who died saving the lives of his students by blocking the doorway of his classroom and taking the gunman's bullets during the Virginia Tech Massacre, or is it the ability of the loved ones of the victims to move on in life after this senseless murder? Is courage the ability to survive against all odds like how the visually handicapped Dr Wong Meng Ee who, despite his difficulties and lack of initial support, did his Ph.D and won medals in International Sporting Meets?

Perhaps. Perhaps all.

After today's Dr. Wong's speech during Simpleville's Speech Day, it makes me certain that with courage and HEART ((Health, Enthusiasm, Assiduty, Resilience & Tenacity) I will be able to overcome my current obstacle. It also makes me certain that whatever problems I may be facing are insignificant compared to others. So who am I to complain?

As we take HEART in what we do, and with God's will, we'll all be able to ride through the wave and see life in a different light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday was the beginning of a new chapter in my life, I completed the deed and so it is finished. Yet, the path seems unclear. Will I stumble? Will I fall? Will people take joy in making insensitive remarks? Will I savour in my solitude? The future is unknown.

But with courage, I'll move on and take everything in my stride.

What is courage?

THIS IS COURAGE.