Details in the Fabric

Details In The Fabric

(Jason Mraz feat. James Morrison)

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up
.
If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it
.
And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way
.
And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
.
Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything
.
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
.
And everything, everything will be fine
Everything
.
Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?
.
Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.
.
Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything
.
Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way
.
Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)
.
Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?
.
Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing
.
Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold
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This is the current song that befits my mood... Tells me to be strong, hold on and not break myself up.

It's ironic how just this morning, a jedi told me that I'll be getting the "I am Healthy Award" for having zero MC this year, and later in the afternoon, my doc tells me that my condition has deteriorated. She recommended me a series of medication and I asked her how long can I hold it for? Of course, it was the usual reply... You are still young.. the earlier the treatment, the better... I'll hold. It's not a life and death situation as yet.

As I left and drove off, I find myself crying to my destination... vivo... I planned to watch Vicky Cristina Barcelona last night, and strangely, I didn't let the news change my plans. Life has to go on... Perhaps, I've become immuned to such misfortunes or that I have come to realise that there are many more who are suffering worst fates than me.. or that I have faith that everything happens for a reason and that God will make things right for us... It's not blind faith..cos I've actually recovered from my earlier setbacks much faster that I could imagine...

In fact, someone asked me how I hold my shit up... nah.. the exact words were... "Now I really admire u n respect u for the way u coped so well wif ur probs"

And so, after Vicky Cristina Barcelona, a brillant film by Woody Allen ( a pity it is not so popular just because it's not a commercialised movie), I found myself aiming to go Spain in the next two years, a country which I planned to go in 2003 but didn't... I also found myself laughing at the silliness of relationships, obsessions and worries, and I became happier... and also a little more hopeful that it'll be a PASS so that I can go for RP with SK.

I've made a decision not to be obsessed by the details in the fabric... and just calm down, take deep breaths and not break myself up...

If it's a broken part, replace it

If it's a broken arm then brace it

If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold MY own

Know MY name

And go MY own way

Hold MY own

Know MY own name

And go MY own way

And everything will be fine

Everything will be fine

.

Note: I chanced upon this Youtube which features a dancer doing a comtemporary improvisation... something like the kind of dance that I learnt from Silva... It's very pretty and graceful. How I wish I can dance again... . A pity it stops short at 1 min and 43 secs and then it goes into a black screen of darkness.... a tragedy of my life perhaps.. that good things come to an end (shortly)..

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We'll find a way...

GOD WILL MAKE A WAY

by Don Moen

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God will make a way where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength

For each new day

He will make a way

He will make a way

.

.

By a roadway

In the wilderness

He'll lead me

And rivers in the desert will I see

Heaven and earth will fade

But his word will still remain

He will do something new today

.
.

God will make a way where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength

For each new day

He will make a way

He will make a way

.
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2021

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I'm a convert!

When I was in Primary 6, I had my first BCG injection. The first injection to test if there's a need to take a jab, was at the inner elbow. I remember it hurting a lot to the point that I teared. Then of course there was the actual jab on the arm. Ouch... I teared again.

That perhaps gave me the fear of injections. My subsequent encounters with injections were the second dosage of BCG at Sec 4, a tetanus jab for the OBS camp in JC1, a blood test for Hep B & C in university and subsequently an immunity jab two years ago. At all times, I feared the needles.. And because of that fear, muscular tension caused it to be more painful. The only comfort I got was that gentle squeeze of a familar hand or a smile or the fact that it was just a minor pain.. But the whole time round, I was embarrassed by the fact that I actually fear such pain at such a age and that there are many more things that are more painful.

But all that changed this year...

For the first time in my life, I told myself that I was acting up my fear and that everything is psychological. It's all in the mind. If I will myself to be free from pain, perhaps, it will just disappear. And so, for this year's medical check up, I told myself that I've gone through enough pain (physical and emotional) that this tiny prick is not going to affect me. I went in with an unnatural calm and ease.

Even one male teacher in front of me said that he's fearful of the needles... whether he was just teasing or not, I wasn't sure.. but somehow, his facial expression while he was having his jab revealed a real sense of fear.. which I found rather amusing.

Mine was after his... and I was so calm that it didn't really hurt at all. Even that initial prick was nothing. My composure and nonchalance were much to the horror of the male teacher who questioned if I was in pain. To spare his ego from being bruised along with his inner elbow, I lied that it was a little painful.

The whole time round, I wondered what happened. Why did it hurt so much before and why did I always needed a hand to hold when I had my previous jabs? Was I over-reacting and being needy and whiny just to have someone reassuring me that everything will be ok?

Perhaps, it's just mind over matter. Or perhaps, it was just a fluke that it didn't hurt.

To confirm that I really overcame my fear for injections, I decided to test it out one more time.

I recalled the time when my good friend in JC tried persuading me to donate blood with her when the drive came to our school. I refused. She was so keen on donating blood that she faked her weight by increasing it up by 1kg just so that she could donate (I guess back then, they weren't really that strict. Now, you have to weigh yourself in front of the staff). I missed my chance back then.

Today, I took that chance.

I went for my very first blood donation at SGH together with some colleagues of mine.

At the blood donation center, I was again trying to be calm but deep down I was rather excited, hoping that it wouldn't hurt and that I won't develop a phobia for needles again. But somehow, when I saw the room I was entering, it felt right...

And so it is, two injections, totally painless. Thickest needle I've seen thus far inserted to me but not as pain as I thought.

I am free!!! Free from fear. Free from having someone to be there for me when I go for my future jabs. Free from embarrassment

Though a rather insignificant thing in my life and to most people, it gave me new found hope together with my overseas trips & adventures, that I'm ready to embrace independence without fear and hate. I am also convinced that I'll most probably make a yearly blood donation from now onwards and convince others to do so.

Give blood, save lives....

P.S: In case anyone is wondering, the first picture was taken when I was in Melbourne.

Let it go...

Let It Go

by Corrinne May

I think we've been here before
I recognize this place
I've seen the marks of confusion
wipe out a single sign of grace
And I don't want to play anymore
Not when the stakes are so high
So before we circle round once more
I'm gonna lay down,
Lay down my pride

Let it go, let it be
Don't waste all your emotion on this
tit-for-tat machine
Let it go, let it be
Let it go

I turn on the TV
and it screams out at me
Nothing seems to have changed
since the start of Adam and Eve
So we're waiting for the sky to fall
and we're buying brand new toys
But before we circle round once more
Can we lay down
Just lay down this pride

Let it go, let it be
Don't waste all your emotion on this
tit-for-tat machine
Let it go, let it be
Let it go
Don't go wasting your emotions
No one wins if we keep score
Let it go, let it be
Let it go

(I think we've been here before...)

My legs are full of scars... they are mainly self-induced.

I have a problem of scratching any mosquito bites or itch or scabs till they bleed.
Also, whenever I have a scratch or scrap in the knee from dance practices, I would open up the scab before the wound could fully heal. That causes more damage to the wound and creates a darker colouration to the scar. This also explains why my BCG scar is bigger than most people's. I was told by the nurse not to touch it but I never listened. I kept 'checking' if it's healed and in so doing, had an infection which caused a bigger than usual BCG scar on my arm.

All along I wasn't really conscious about that problem of mine until I was told recently to stop creating more wounds to myself. Just let go of that urge. Don't think about it. Let it heal. Don't agitate the skin any further cos if I don’t let go of that thought or that urge to scratch, I’ll end up hurting myself.

Let go, huh? How?

I've always had a problem with letting go. In fact, I seldom let go of things / memories / people etc. I let others do the letting go...

Today’s my one month anniversary of having my S.R.H.

She’s been serving me well, bringing me to all sorts of places to relive those moments at LPR, KRP, CV and EC, places I’ve stopped going because I didn’t have a car. And in a short span of 3 weeks, I hit my first 1000km.

As I look back at those times, I realised that while I have now changed, I still can’t let go.
There was a lot of self-doubt, the feeling of incompetence and being ostracised. That gradually changed as I started becoming more independent, not reacting to others' reactions, travelling to places that I’ve wanted to go, and yet, there’s a void. All because I can’t let go.

Was told that if I continue to hold on and dwell on the past, my present and future will be affected. I don’t wish that to happen. I fear I’ll be like Meredith Grey in Grey Anatomy, incapable of trusting anyone or even herself and eventually letting go of McDreamy.

I have to let it go... lay down my pride and not waste any emotion on this tit-for-tat machine. No one wins if we keep score

Let it go...

Let it be...

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Like I always say, 'it's all in the mind'.

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Let it go...

Silent Vocals VI ~ In Motion

7 months of training ...
7 minutes of performance...
A lifetime that I’ll cherish those moments...

Almost couldn't make it for this concert as there's no way I could take leave from school to attend the intensive rehearsals in the afternoons a few days before the concert. Also, I was supposed to have flown off to Vietnam for the Regional Teachers' Conference during that period of time. But God seemed to have planned it for me. Growth Camp happened to be during the two days of intensive rehearsals and on the actual day. And some time in January, I was told that the RTC is in April instead of March. And so it is, I was able to perform one last time at Victoria Theatre. Though it will most probably* be my last concert… it was a first for a number of events:

1st time I cried on stage after the concert

This shot was taken after we were both crying / tearing.

• At the end of the concert, I thanked my dance instructress, Silvia Yong for all the years of training and encouragement. Though she started teaching me in 2004, she made a great impact in my dance ‘career’. I would have stopped dancing if not for her. Her contemporary style of choreography really spurred me to want to be a better dancer. She fascinates me with her seemingly impossible to do steps and her fast paced choreography that leaves me panting and gasping for air after each rehearsal. Watching her perform at the Esplanade truly inspires me to be like her too. She really showed her passion for dance through the sacrifices she has made and the courage to do something that many would not do. We dancers never fail to admire both Silvia and her husband... Together with her dancer and choreographer husband, Kuik Swee Boon, they look like the perfect couple.
  
  For all that she has done for me, I am truly grateful. I teared when I told her I’ll miss being in her class and that I won’t be dancing for AJ anymore. She tried to persuade me, telling me that age is not a barrier, using herself as an example. It was a difficult decision but I have to move on. She teared as well.. And so, seeing her watery eyes, made me cry even more… so much so that my dance president who was standing beside us teared too.
  
  Thank you Silvia. I'm eternally grateful.

1st time I joined the concert without any other dancers from my batch

These girls ranges fr 20 - 25 yrs old, with the exception of me of course.

• One of the dance members from my batch is currently the teacher-in-charge of dance society in AJ. When she first emailed my batch to find out who were still keen on dancing for the concert, 3 dancers responded. And because I thought I won’t be the only one from my batch joining, I committed myself. Unfortunately, the other two really couldn’t find the time because the two are already mothers. And so, I was the only representative from my batch.

1st time I took photos for the concert

• In a way, it was a dream come true to merge both my passion in dance and photography in one. It was rather hectic, rushing to put on make up, snapping pictures of the preparations, snapping pictures of the rehearsals, trying to recall the steps before my item is on and then performing. It was a not easy as it was my first dance shoot. It was also technically challenging because the lighting for this concert is rather dark. And it being my first time, I didn't know what settings to fix and what to look out for. For example, I kept running out of CF cards and battery life at the critical moments despite preparing all that in advance. Didn't expect two fully charged batteries to be flat so fast. There were also a lot of blur shots. Out of the 6 dances, I only managed to shoot 4 items. I had to get ready for my finale item. And because I was dancing in one item, I'll most probably not get any pictures of me dancing. That's the problem with taking photos and dancing at the same time. Sigh. Can't get the best of both worlds.
  

1st time I received so many flowers and gifts

• Many thanks to those who came. I was really touched by your sweet gestures and your moral support. I think I’ll never receive so much flowers at one go in my life… Thank you all for everything.

1st time my dear friend attended my dance concert

• I feel so elated that my ‘BFF’ could make it for my concert, having missed all my other concerts during previous years. It meant a lot to me for it will be my last concert. Thank you babe for coming.

My 6th dance alumni concert performance, Silent Vocals VI ~ In Motion, ended last night. Not that I’m biased but I feel that the choreography for this concert has reached a new high. The dance items were so technically challenging for amateur dancers like us but the dances did pushed us to level up our techniques. Would like to quote fr my batch’s dance president’s SMS after the concert: “Was very touched by you all as an audience cos only we know the hard work and sacrifices behind every performance. It was a very good show with high standards. Think the alumni was exceptionally impressive ;p” That message really stirred me up. I was very touched.

Some time ago in September 2007 when we first started training, we kept thinking that it was a long while more to this concert but as the months went by, we felt that time was not on our side. Even then, I was looking forward to the concert hoping it’ll come soon. Now that it is over, I wished it didn’t end. It was a truly emotional night for me because at the back of my mind, I knew it would be my last (or rather I’ll try very hard to make it my last). Having been in the dance alumni from 1998 to 2008, I think it is about time I move on. 10 years seem to be an ‘overstay’. As it is, I’m officially the longest serving AJ dance alumni member. It’s kind of odd going back to Anderson JC seeing all the younger college students, feeling somewhat old. Yet, this place was like a home to me. A place I’m familiar with. A place where my passion for dance was ignited. A place where I could be completely at ease with my fellow dancers.

I was flipping through my dance photo albums and looking back at those moments, from training for SYF, performing in Korea, my first alumni concert in the school hall to the various concerts held in Kallang Theatre and Victoria theatre. It’s amazing how the camaraderie is so strong among the dancers who come from different batches… Year after year, I see familiar faces and sometimes new ones but in each of them, I feel their passion for dance, their dedication to the group and their talents and grace during performance.

Now that it has finally ended, I can’t help but feel sad and lost… There was a sense of depression when I woke up this morning… There was a strong inertia to do my work and the rhythm of the music and sequence of the dance steps kept refreshing in my mind… I started to think of what I’ll miss and I’ve come up with these:

Bruises on my arms & legs – The only times when I get severely bruised are when I’m training for dance. It may seem that I’m some sort of sadist but I do like seeing the bruises as it is an indication that I went all out for the dance (though sometimes, it’s just because I was clumsy and failed to protect myself).

Vigorous training – Initially it was once a week. Then twice a week and towards the last two weeks, almost everyday. No matter how tired I get from working the whole day, I will suddenly be energized when I train… It’s odd how something so strenuous can lift my spirits up. It’s odd how my headaches or worries just melt away during trainings. I realised it is the motions and concentration during training that I find comfort & peace.

The smell of the LL (dance studio) and the school hall –The smell isn’t pleasant for sure… but I miss the times we try to avoid the smelly spots on the dance studio floor… and how we complained so many times but still continued to dance despite nothing done to rid the smell. One common habit is that we walk bare feet around AJ; in the studio, in the hall and even to the toilet. Black dusty feet have become a feature of being a dancer... I truly understand what some of my students feel when they have their 'illegal' shoes confiscated.

The messed up costumes – It seems that the tailor will always mess up the dance costumes, distorting the original designs and we have to always alter them last minute. We have no choice though because there are really very few tailors who do dance costumes in Singapore. And so, my fellow dancers and I came to a conclusion that not only must we be able to dance, we must be able to sew… to salvage our badly tailored costumes.

The roller coaster emotions - I'll definitely miss the excitement before performance & the feeling of sheer joy after the dance concert, knowing that everything was done right – This is a given. All dancers will never forget these moments. Neither would I.

Victoria Theatre – There’s something magical about VT. It’s small, old and yet charming. Of course I hope to perform at the Esplanade but VT is a familiar place to us. We know the ins and outs of that place. I’m really going to miss performing there.

Lastly, my fun-loving dancers & my sweet dance instructress – With the lame jokes we crack, there’s never a dull moment… we somehow enjoy being silly and we even laugh at our mistakes in our dance steps. But we have our serious sides especially nearing the concert when emotions flare up in even the most demure dancer. Our dance instructress has been ever so patient with us, sharing our sense of humour and always motivating us. I’m going to miss seeing them on a weekly basis but thankfully, with Facebook, we’ll somehow keep in touch… or rather ‘poke’.

And so, after Silent Vocals 6, I think I have to really retire… Don’t think I’m up for it anymore when 2010 comes. Moreover, my dance friends closer to my batch are also considering ‘retiring’ too. If that is really so, it will be a pity that I won’t be participating in Silent Vocals 7 which would have also been my 7th dance concert as a dance alumni member.

But I really have to move on…

And so, I’m closing this dance chapter with AJ dance as a dancer… but I’ll continue to help out in any way possible…

In March 2006, I blogged that I would take a bow and retire. I mapped out my dance ‘resume’
I think it's time I do a little update!

1996 -- JC 1 Dance Member
1997 -- SYF Dance (Gold) Performed in Dance Presentation Opening Night at Kallang / Represented S'pore to perform in Korea for the 3rd ASIAN Youth Festival
1998 -- Silent Vocals II (School Hall... Hey! That's our debut.. low budget then)
1999 -- Training & rehearsal for the next concert
2000 -- Silent Vocals III (NYP auditorium) (didn’t dance, just helped out in make up n lighting)
2001 -- Training & rehearsal for the next concert / Danced for the Alumni's 1st AGM + dinner + concert
2002 -- Silent Vocals IV (Alphaville auditorium - Brand new and free!! Why not?)
2003 -- Training & rehearsal for the next concert
2004 -- Colours of Emotion (Self-choreographed - Victoria Theatre) / Juvenescence (AJ's 20th Anniversary Concert - Kallang Theatre)
2005 -- Qi (七，棋，启，气) (Victoria Theatre)
2006 –- Received Appreciation Award during AJ's 22nd College Day / Silent Vocals V ~ The Kaleidoscope (Victoria Theatre) (1st time I was not involved accept to give moral support and watch the concert)
2007 -- Training & rehearsal for the next concert
2008 -- Silent Vocals VI ~ In Motion (Victoria Theatre)


7 months of training...
7 minutes of performance...

Truly amazing...Truly unforgettable... Truly emotional...

My sincere thanks to Silvia and my fellow dancers...
Thank you for making my final concert with AJ Dance alumni a memorable one...
20th March 2008.

* Note: While I’m deeply serious about retiring, I won’t hesitate to join if I know my other friends are dancing again or if the venue is at the Esplanade, but I know the chances are very slim.

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Emotions in Motion

Just came back from one of my dancers' wedding dinner. Beautiful. My junior, Peiru and one of our coaches, Peter, actually did a couple dance for the Bride & Groom, before their march-in. Being at a table full of ex-ajcian dancers + coach, we really reminisced non-stop. As expected, we talked abt the thing that binds us... DANCE. In the course of the discussion, I found out that I was not the only one who was absolutely in love with Emotions in Motion (affectionally known as the "balloon dance") which we performed at the 20th Anniversary AJC Concert. Silly Nicole and Chien Ning told me that they cried watching their own performance because it was so touching... I simply couldn't comprehend.... but just now when I saw the uploaded video, I understood why.

Personally, it was by far the most techinically challenging piece and the most flesh-revealing piece. It was also the one which had the most interferring props (balloons & chairs) , the one that gave me the most bruises due to the hard knocks on the chair and floor and the one with the most 感人的 music. Embeded in that dance was also the notion that a person carries many emotions- controlled at times, haphazard at times - ups and downs. I'll always remember that performance because it was my most flawless piece. I was so worried abt one step which involved doing a cartwheel on a chair.. but when it was executed properly, in sync with the rest, I was totally exhilarated.

Perhaps, it was because I was only doing one dance for that concert which allowed me the time to concentrate and to polish the steps. And so, for the upcoming concert, I'm wondering if I should back out from one of the dances. I already have too many things on my plate and training for 2 dance items seems quite impossible. I have to make the decision fast before Silva starts to do her choreography and positioning. Arrghhh...

Sometimes I wish I could perform certain dances from the past again, simply because it was so beautifully choreographed and simply because I need not learn from scratch. My batch of dancers still remembers the key steps of our SYF piece which was performed back in '97. GOSH! But then, I'm constantly reminded by situations and people around me that I have to move on. There will be more dances to come, more concerts to perform for ( I hope.. I think they are gg to kick me out fr the Alumni for staying in there too long) and greater challenges ahead as age catches up with me. But I will move on and perform the new pieces.

Yeah... am I 'on the move'?! Not too sure about that. But one thing for sure, my emotions are now in motion.... depressed, yearning, hopeful, excited, worried, cheerful, scared.....

Conversations @ AJ

This afternoon at the end of dance practice (Yes.. I didn't go hiking as some thought I did... ), I met my JC's 'first-3mths' GP tutor.. Larry.. Yup.. I now call him by name since we are technically colleagues under the same big umbrella called MOE.

The brief conversation went something like that:

L: Huh... Why are you back?

Moi: I never left...

L: Yah.. I noticed.. when were you here since..

Moi: 96.. (chuckle... embarassed)

L: So why are you back?

Moi: Dance concert in March..

L: Wow... (speechless)

Moi: I think AJ ought to give me some long service award. (Eh.. but they did.. on my 8th yr as a dance alumni.. http://sevenyrslater.blogspot.com/2006/05/non-mihi-solum.html)

L: Yar.. I think you should talk to the prinicpal about it...

Yeap.. practice has started but I'm not sure if I can commit. It seems ridiculous to juggle all the stuff that I'm having on my plate.. It's overflowing and I'm wondering if I can cope without shortening my lifespan. But I don't know how to let go (as always) ... so what do I have and how should I prioritise:

1. Padawans whom I'm deeply sorry for not marking your work on time.
2. New portfolio which is not easy to handle and can sometimes be a lonely job. Though I sometimes give others the impression that I would like to be alone, I actually don't and I hate it.
3. Grandma... Sundays with my grandma has become a norm...
4. Close friends.... Have been recently gg to 3 of my gf's homes. They all have wonderful families and adorable kids.. It's really a joy to babysit for them but I do get envious seeing them relax at home as "home-makers" which was actually my 'ambition' when I was in Secondary School... other than Architect and Civil & Structural Engineer.. haha..
5. Yoga which I seem to hv stopped gg.. hence the "excesses" as someone aptly put it across to me.. sobs..
6. Photography... I've rejected a few flickr outings cos of work.. but I so wanna go.. and my hard disk is full of untouched and un-uploaded pics which are just sitting there, taking up space.
7. Dancing... recently, there's this affinity to call it lamsing..
8. Tuition for my cousin who'll be Sec 4 next year. I took her since she was in Sec 2 and I can't just drop her in her final year, can I?
9. School magazine.. I seem to be stuck with that. How do I get out? My first magazine was created in my 4th month in Simpleville. 2002 (idea was taken from a Savannah condo's showhouse advertisement), 2003 (Students' artwork), 2005 (5 series concept - idea taken from VJ's banner), 2006 (Garden concept), 2007 (poster concept - idea taken from Jing) I only had a breather in 2004 when Pinkiemonkie took over that year (close up shot of badge) but I was doing the School Official Opening Ceremony magazine .. hmm it wasn't really a break huh?
10. Something that I look forward to and I'll put aside all things for....
11. Travelling.. which I'll squeeze in by hook or by crook.. even it is for 9 short days this time.
12. 2nd M Ed course all the way till 7 Dec and the 3rd course starting Jan till Mar which means my assignment will be due around the time of the dance concert too.
13. Microsoft Regional Innovative Teachers’ Conference 2008 in Vietnam just 3 days after the dance concert.. which means I have to struggle between dance rehearsals, M Ed course assignment and presentation preparation for the conference... (Yes.. contrary to what was conveyed, I'm not gg there for a holiday but to work and present which is really unnerving for me.. I do fear presenting let alone presenting to foreigners.. )

Arrrgghhh.... 13 things to do! Should I just let go the dance?

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My Virgin Fireworks Shots...

Over the years, the number of people with DSLR in Singapore seems to increase at an exponential rate.. And after attending 2 Fireworks festivals, I don't see how I'll ever get a space to shoot one this year. So I thought I better shoot whatever fireworks I can and leave those real good fireworks to the professionals.

Yesterday, I forfeited $30 to shoot some sporadic fireworks at the Esplanade Bridge.... My virgin fireworks shots.... It was kinda embarassing as I was clueless as to what the settings were. I had no tripod as my quick release is still missing, rendering my tripod useless. And I stupidly left the cable release at home. Perfect evidence that it was my first fireworks photo shoot.

Luckily, I had someone with me who was not too inexperienced. She brought two tripods and helped me do the setting. But that's about it cos she said when the fireworks start, it's pretty much up to me to decide on the time I want the fireworks to be exposed.

The four minutes of fireworks were pretty much an adrenaline rush, filled with frustrations, regret and confusion, an equivalent of my past 2 years. Some were overexposed, some were underexposed. Some beautiful fireworks (the finale and the gold dust ones) I could not capture as the camera had the BUSY sign on... In the end, these were the only savable shots.. which pretty much suck due to the wrong timing... such wrong timing.

I wondered if I made the right move. Should I have gone for what I've paid for but know that things will never be the same or that I'm just throwing myself against a wall? Or should I have struggled with something new, pick things up from scratch and know that I have to move on? Though I did the latter, I'm still not sure if I have or if I'll ever do that again.

It seems impossible to shoot during this year's S'pore fireworks festival as they will be cordoning off the seats and planters area, leaving only the walkway for people to view and shoot.

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Why must they do this when I finally have my DSLR?

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Such wrong timing... such wrong timing.... as always.

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